My Writing Portfolio |
WIND & SCALE
The Assignment: To make a one-page story using a specific profession, activity, and phrase, all chosen at random by a classmate from a pre-generated list. The profession chosen for me was piano tuner, the activity: sky-diving, and the specific phrase, "The dragon sneezed."
This occured in a college writing class, and my classmate gleefully gave me the hardest curveball I could take, ha ha!
The Result: What you see to the right is the story that culminated from these (joyfully arbitary) guidelines. My professor was ecstatic with the result; he thought it was really clever!
Hope you enjoy.
Argibald tensed as turbulence shook the plane. There was a lot riding on this, almost as much as there was riding on the dragon tethered to him just a few feet away. “Thirty seconds until the hatch opens,” came the silky voice of the pilot on the loudspeaker. She’s so calm about it, Argibald thought. I suppose that’s because SHE’s not the one who’s jumping. He took a deep breath. He said a silent prayer. The dragon sneezed.
“3...” Here we go. “2...” All right. “1...” Don’t panic. “Go!” Oh, shit-- !
The hatch opened, Argibald jumped from his position, running frantically toward the turmoil of air outside the aircraft. The heavy breathing of the dragon behind him, also running toward the void, was his extra urge as he leapt.
The torrent of rushing atmosphere was both a thrill and a nightmare. Fortunately, Argibald didn’t have much time to dwell on either. The dragon had already spotted their target: a Knabe 5’3” Baby Grand Piano, its sleek bulk floundering against the horizon. The striving of wings toward the piano whipped Argibald around like a second tail.
After closing the distance, the dragon seized the baby grand. Its gentle handling of the prize amidst the frenzy was a sight to behold. Swallowing his fear, Argibald wasted no time. Even though the dragon’s wings negated the ill effects of dangling 10 miles above the ground, anything could go wrong at any moment. Somewhat hysterically, Argy pulled along the tether until he reached the piano’s lid. No need to open it; the dragon was a pro. Everything was set. All that was left now was Argibald’s job.
Now was the moment of truth.
He pulled out his prized tools: his tuning hammer and his mutes. He had to rely on the dragon’s sensitive ears; Argibald couldn’t hear anything above the shrieking air. The flick of a tail was his only signal for successful tuning. In spite of this, for the first time since he had left the ground, Argy’s mind was calm, focused. He was in his element. He placed the mutes into the first set of strings, his hammer following onto the corresponding knob. He set to work.
It took him only a hundred minutes to finish, just as the dragon reached the bard’s encampment. With the piano tuned, the oncoming orc army would be powerless against the magic of the Bard’s music. Argibald smiled. Success was so gratifying.
CHARLIE PHILLIP SEYMOUR KAUFMAN
This funny little short was me trying my hand at poking fun of my own writer's block, as well as my totally hack-ish ways of trying to overcame said block. Very meta humor.
It's interesting to compare it to the finished short just to see what ideas didn't translate to screen as well as I thought they would. There's a whole epilogue involving a third character that got completely deleted, along with dialogue tweaks here and there.
Overall, I'm still very satisfied with this scripts, and the short that it spawned!
[NOTE: The formatting for this screenplay isn't as sharp as I'd like it to be. Hopefully it is still legible in your browser.]
FADE IN:
EXT. RANDOM YARD - DAY
SCOTT and his doppelganger, TOCCS, sit in an outside yard. Scott, wearing glasses and a plaid overshirt, sits and rests against a tree. Toccs, wearing a brown STAR WARS shirt and no glasses, is standing up, leaning against the corner of the house.
SCOTT Man, we need to do something.
TOCCS Yeah, like what?
SCOTT Like... I don’t know, like make a movie or something.
TOCCS Ok. What’s your idea?
SCOTT That’s the thing. I don’t have any ideas; that’s why I need your help.
Toccs stops with the ball for a second.
TOCCS Well, do we have any kind of budget?
SCOTT No.
TOCCS Any cool stunts we could try out?
SCOTT No.
TOCCS Ok, how about just anything, anything at all inherently interesting we can film?
SCOTT Eh... define "interesting."
Toccs starts with the ball again, each flip punctuating his suggestions.
TOCCS Pink elephants.
SCOTT No.
TOCCS Ant colony forming a picture of the Mona Lisa?
SCOTT No.
TOCCS A house falling apart?
SCOTT No.
TOCCS Overweight grandmother twerking?
SCOTT (disgusted) No!
Toccs stops with the ball again.
TOCCS Well, hate to break it to ya, but I don’t think we have anything to film.
He goes back to spinning the ball.
TOCCS You know, you could always just do a video of you talking about movies.
SCOTT That’s your idea? That’s terrible.
TOCCS A terrible idea’s better than no idea.
SCOTT Yeah, but what movie would I even talk about? And what would I even say?
Toccs simply shrugs. Scott strikes an idea.
SCOTT Wait, what if we made a short about how we don’t have any ideas?
TOCCS You mean like in English class where there was always that one kid writing poems about how he couldn’t think of any poems to write?
SCOTT Yeah!
Toccs simply stares, not even wanting to dignify that with a response.
SCOTT Hey, it’s possible to come up with one that's clever!
Toccs is back to spinning the ball, ignoring him.
TOCCS Mm hmm.
SCOTT Hey, a bad idea’s better than no idea--
TOCCS No no no. No. You don’t get to use my words against me. My idea actually involved going in some sort of direction! Yours apparently is to just walk around in circles, picking bugs out of your belly button, like some kind of Assassin’s Creed sequel.
SCOTT Well, it could be a good idea if we do it right! Take Adaptation, for example. That was all about Philip Seymour Kaufman having writer’s block, and it was amazing.
Toccs sighs. very. deeply.
TOCCS Ok, for one thing, you confused three different people. Philip Kaufman is a film director; he did The Right Stuff. Philip Seymour Hoffman was an actor, may he rest in peace.
Scott rollS his eyes.
TOCCS And Charlie Kaufman is the expert screenwriter, and he could turn a trip to the dentist into the most profound, surreal cinematic achievement since... since...
Scott waits on bated breath.
TOCCS ...Since people twerking, i don't know.
SCOTT Yeah, but--
TOCCS But nothing! Are you Charlie Kaufman?
Scott doesn’t want to answer.
TOCCS Are you?
SCOTT (sighs) No. I’m not.
TOCCS That’s right, you’re not. So don’t go thinking you can get all intellectual with your writer’s block and come up with something clever like he would! Cause knowing you, all you’d come up with is something that’s just a pale imitation of how there were two Nicholas Cage’s talking to each other in Adaptation.
Toccs looks at Scott. Scott looks at Toccs. Toccs looks back at Scott. Scott looks morose.
SCOTT Not... necessarily--
TOCCS Scott, this is just you over-complicating things again. You’ve got to keep things simple. ’Cause otherwise, if you don’t, you and I will just stay here arguing like a couple of founders for Fight Club.
Scott doesn’t want to look up.
TOCCS Look, just do the movie review idea. It’s better to start off small and expand, than to try to cram it all into your first shot, right?
He flips the football.
TOCCS Am I right?
Scott sighs, finally looks up in Toccs’ direction.
...but Toccs is no longer there.
Cutting back to Scott, we see that he’s not there, either. Instead, Toccs is sitting in his place, wearing Scott’s morose expression.
TOCCS (AKA SCOTT) Yeah. You’re right.
INT. STUDIO
A WELL-DRESSED MAN is staring into the camera.
WELL-DRESSED MAN Writer’s Block is a serious issue, with serious consequences, that needs to be dealt with, seriously.
The scene fades to black... only to fade back into view.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (Startled) Oh, right. (Back in character) If you are experiencing symptoms of Writer’s Block, don’t be content to simply talk with your imaginary doppelgängers. Get out. Spend time with friends. Do something interesting... Or else the man in this video might be you.
Screen fades to black.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (V.O.) Ok, now we’re done? Good.
FADE OUT.